Pass the Beeno I realize that bodily functions are a fact of life - and so is making light of them. Nothing is more painful, however, if you are laughing your ass off and you can't breathe, because the reason you are laughing is cuz your buddy ripped a huge fart in your car. On a warm summer day. How bout some less traumatic stories? Weeellll, maybe not for those involved (I swear these are true stories...the names have been changed to protect the identities from the tooters) - a couple of my girlfriends have had some crazy stories the past week...is there a full moon???

Story 1: My friend, Jasmine, told me this story the other day over a cup of coffee. The previous evening she and her man were in bed when her cat crawled under the covers, strategically placing itself in between the two humans. The boyfriend was facing towards the edge of the bed and the cat curled itself by his knees. Sometime during the middle of the night, Jasmine felt the cat frantically pawing its way out from under the covers, darting here and there looking for an exit. She used her toe to lift the edge of the comforter, and the cat shot out. Jasmine sat up to see what the problem could be..as soon as she opened her mouth to call the kitty, she smelt the blow that was dealt. She leaned over and smacked her boyfriend awake so that he could perform CPR on the kitty who had passed out from lack of oxygen. 'It was the least he could do after farting on the kitty's head," she said.

Story 2: Another friend, Jez, related this story about an unbelievable first date she had. Evidently, this guy lives a good distance away from her, but was cool enough to drive an hour or so to go on a double date with her and her roommate. She offered to drive since he wasn't familiar with the territory. They had dinner and had so much fun, the four of them decided to go to a nearby bar to hang out and have a drinks. Evidently, while at the bar, Jez's date asked if he could go to her car and grab 40 winks, as he had only slept for 2 hours the night before. She said she felt bad that he felt he had to hang out with her when he was so tired, so, she let him snooze in her car. They finished their drinks and went back to the car where they found him sound asleep. Figuring that they had called it a night (it was only 10 pm), they drove home where it took 10 minutes to get the guy out of the car he was so out of it. They helped him into the house, thinking to make him a pot of coffee for the road. He plopped down on one of their couches and fell asleep again! Then he started snoring. Loudly. They all had a good laugh, and decided this dude wasn't going anywhere. So, they made the futon in Jez's room for this guy to sleep on ( I said..this was on the first date??? Sure you're not really an old married couple???). So, this guy curls up on her futon, not snoring anymore. Jez says she crawled into her own bed about an hour later, after making sure the guy was out cold. She said that at about 1 a.m., she was staring at the ceiling..not exactly feeling comfortable sleeping with a stranger in her room...when all of a sudden the dude starts serial farting. About four in a row. She went out and slept in the living room. The next day, the guy wakes up and apologizes profusely for falling asleep. He asked if he snored. Jez said he did. Then he started apologizing even more, stating that he never snores, couldn't believe he did that on the first date...and made the comment, "I guess I can't top that, can I?" She did not tell him that he did indeed top it. He left saying that he would make it up to her. She looks forward to that with much fear and trepidation. I guess it couldn't get worse. Although -- lucky me. I was the one sitting on her futon, later that day - as she related this story. Dammit.

Ok, enough of the gassy stories. Me tired.